MARRIAGE – THE ULTIMATE DESTINATION?

blogger, poet, reflections, Relationships, Uncategorized, writer

Marriage…

The ultimate destination?

Where singledom reaches an eternal end.

We spend so much of our lives obsessing over marriage, consciously or subconsciously. Whether you’re the oblivious 8 year old girl watching a disney princess being wooed by her prince, or whether you’re the 28 year old being told by society that you need a husband to complete you.

What is big the secret behind marriage that promises fulfilment? Is it the physical presence of another. Is it the unconditional love you hope to receive? Or is it just that it’s the pre- conceived notion that marriage is the end goal, and the end goal promises happiness?

Remember that proverb about the grass always being greener on the other side? Well marriage is kinda like that for singletons. If we find that we are lonely, we tell ourselves that if we had a partner, we wouldn’t know loneliness. If we need security, surely the presence of a man/woman in our lives would provide us with the security that we need. And if we want comfort, where better to find comfort other than that in the arms of your partner.

So as a singleton we begin believing that all the parts of us that are incomplete, will only come to fruition upon marriage. And it doesn’t help when there are studies suggesting that marriage makes you more successful. Is it any wonder that we think marriage is what we need to reach the pinnacles of success?

Women are left either searching for the M word, or actually taking the plunge. But what really does the reality of marriage entail? Does it promise you a release from loneliness? Does it grant you security? Does it provide you with comfort?

The truth is, marriage promises you none of the above. It doesn’t ensure that you never feel lonely, it doesn’t guarantee security. In fact marriage can take you to further realms of loneliness, and insecurity. Insecurity, not only financially, but insecurity, emotionally. Marriage is not the prescription drug that will cure all your life’s ailments. It holds no magic power to remedy all your troubles.

Don’t get me wrong, a strong happy marriage can bring great things to the table. But an expectancy to fill voids within yourself through marriage, is a dangerous notion. Marriage is actually a shared path for two people who have their own paths in life. It doesn’t dictate that the other person caters to all your needs and all your desires, and vice versa. Because the truth is, no one can be the reason for your happiness. If you think someone is, you’re treading on a risky path and at some point you will face disappointment at the hands of another, whether intentionally or unintentionally. That disappointment will itself, take you to a place where you had never expected marriage to ever take you.

So if singledom, doesn’t fulfil you, and neither does marriage, then what exactly will? We live in an idealistic world, where the ideal is that the answer to our problems lies somewhere other than within ourselves. So we look to places and people for comfort and reassurance. But the cure, we’re all searching for, is actually within us. You are what you make of yourself. No man or woman will fulfil you, if you yourself do not have the power over your self, over your mind and over your heart.

If you’re considering marriage as the solution. Let’s be very clear. Marriage is not the solution. Marriage is not the destination either. Marriage is the journey, the path you choose to take with your loved one. It too has highs and lows. It too can bring pain. It too can bring insecurities, just as those that are felt when we are single.

Some days it will prove easy and some days it will prove difficult. Every day you work at it. Every day you give a part of yourself in it’s devotion. If you give it love, you receive love in return. If you neglect it, it will neglect you in return. And this is no different to the way in which we should treat ourselves. Give yourself love, give yourself strength, give yourself everything that you need. Whether you are single or whether you are married.

The answers lie within you.

@UfShah

MARRIAGE – TWENTY SEVEN & COUNTING

Uncategorized

“What?! You’re still not married?

How old are you now?”

Thank you for your concern in my personal affairs. Thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule to remind me that I am not yet married. Because surprisingly enough until you mentioned it,  it hadn’t crossed my mind. You see it’s easy to forget in a community where everyone is married at the first signs of puberty, that you don’t have another human being titled ‘husband’ by your side!

Community. It’s supposed to give you a sense of belonging, instead it’s the very foundation that can sometimes makes your life a living hell. And no,  I am not being dramatic, I’m simply fed up. It’s a hot topic amongst a majority these days. Almost every social gathering involves a discussion of ‘marriage’ which is usually headed by the ever so loving ‘aunties’ and married women. “Do you not want to get married?” ” Have you not found someone yet?” “You should have found someone at University.” “Where are you going to find someone now?” “Oh I know someone, he was married but now he’s divorced, he’s looking for someone your age.”

Oh how very considerate and thoughtful of you! Oh, the assumed superiority by these women! Let’s not forget their men however, they don’t hold back either. Fathers, approaching other fathers asking them why their daughter isn’t married yet. Paying no attention to the consequences of their ill remarks. Perhaps they don’t realise their apparent patronising nature when they’re making these remarks.

I may be in my late twenties and I may not have a husband or kids, but I know what I do have. I have the gratitude towards God for blessing me with a loving family, two beautiful parents that I will never tire of attending to. I have the benefit of education, that has opened my mind in more ways than one. I have experienced life in so many different colours having travelled the world. I, have countless blessings. But most of all I have patience and faith in the One who has already decided a time for me. And so I will wait. I will wait until it is my time. I am in no rush to outrun destiny.

Until then I apologise to all those of you who are enduring ‘anxiety’ at my passing age and my state of affairs. But I respectfully suggest that you sit back and relax, and wait until I’m married to ask me “why don’t you have any kids yet?.”

Of course the cycle is never ending.

@Ufshah

Photo Credits: stefhaneiskandar on Instagram