How to Shut Down Disrespect with Confidence – 5 Top Tips

Hi Harmony hustlers, here’s your guide on how to shut down disrespect with confidence (before it chips away at your confidence). Whether it’s a snide remark, a dismissive tone, or an outright rude comment, disrespect has a way of making you question yourself. We’ve all had those moments where someone crosses the line, and we freeze. Only to think of the perfect response hours later. Sound familiar?

Well I’m here to remind you that you don’t have to let these moments shake you.

In this post, I’ll show you how to handle disrespect with confidence, set firm boundaries, and walk away feeling self-assured, without any drama.

Before we dive into the steps you can take to shut down disrespect, let’s take a quick look at why people disrespect others to begin with.

Why people disrespect you?

Honestly? Disrespect is rarely about you. So when you understand why people act this way, it gets a whole lot easier to shut down disrespect without losing your cool.

Here are some common reasons why someone might be disrespectful:

Insecurity: People often disrespect others to mask their own insecurities or to feel superior.
Jealousy: Disrespect can stem from envy, where someone feels threatened by your presence, your confidence or your success.
Learned behaviour: Some people grow up in environments where disrespect is normalised and they then repeat those patterns.
Power Play: Disrespect can be used as a tool to assert dominance or control in a situation.
Lack of awareness: Occasionally, people may be unaware of how their words or actions come across, leading to unintentional disrespect.

Either way it’s their problem, not yours.

Now that we know why someone may be disrespectful, let’s talk about how to handle disrespect like a pro and protect your self worth. Whether that means calling it out, setting boundaries or walking away with your head held high.

5 ways to Shut Down Disrespect

As we said earlier, Disrespect is often a reflection of the other person and isn’t about you. What you need to remember is that ‘Your response should protect YOUR peace.’

So let’s start there:

1. Stay calm and collected

Why? Because your reaction sets the tone and you don’t want to turn every interaction into a power struggle. You want to instead, make sure that you stay in control of your emotions and your response. If you stay composed in response to someones disrespect, you immediately shift the power dynamic in your favour.

When someone disrespects you they’re often testing your boundaries and looking for a reaction. If you react emotionally, whether that be by way of anger, frustration or defensiveness, you’re playing into their hands and letting them dictate the exchange.

By staying calm, you keep the control in your hands. You decide how the conversation unfolds, rather than reacting on their terms. This approach subtly signals that their words or actions don’t shake you. Calm confidence is intimidating. And nothing frustrates someone trying to get under your skin more than realising they can’t.

If someone threw a match at you and you immediately doused it in water i.e. calmness – the fire dies instantly. Your calmness signals confidence and that shuts down disrespect very quickly. However if you add fuel to that match i.e. anger or defensiveness, the fire will undoubtedly spread. In the first scenario you remain in control of the situation. In the the latter case you give up control.

Shifting the power dynamic is not about winning. It is however about protecting YOUR peace, maintaining your confidence and making it clear that disrespect won’t get a rise out of you.

How to stay calm and collected:

Remember, disrespect thrives on reaction. Take a deep breath. Pause (count to 5 if you need to). Then decide how you want to respond or whether you want to respond at all.

2. Choose Silence

Silence is one of the most powerful ways to shut down disrespect. It might feel passive but in reality, it’s a deliberate choice.

Shut down disrespect | Pexels| Anna Shvets

One of the things I learned from my career in Law is that ‘Do nothing’ is a very strategic move. Sometimes, reacting can weaken your position, escalate the situation or provide ammunition to the other side. In legal negotiations and disputes, knowing when to hold back is just as powerful as knowing when to act. When you choose to do nothing, this can result in the other side revealing more information, making mistakes or losing momentum.

In the same way when we look at ways to shut down disrespect, silence can be a strategic move.

Remember, as we’ve mentioned already when someone is being rude or disrespectful, they’re often looking for a reaction. A response will give them exactly what they want, which is engagement.

When you remain silent, you deny them that power.

Silence sends a clear and confident message. I am not bothered and I am not playing this game.

It forces the other person to sit with their own words and it can make them feel uncomfortable, or re-consider what they’ve said. It also helps reaffirm your confidence since you’re choosing not to engage in their negativity.

How to use silence effectively

Pause, make direct eye contact and offer a small knowing smile. This makes it clear that your silence is intentional, not passive.
Give it a few seconds. Sometimes, a few seconds of silence is enough to make them backtrack.
Walk away after the silent response. Disrespect doesn’t deserve your energy, and removing yourself can be the ultimate power move.

Remember silence does not mean weakness. It means you’re secure enough in yourself to know when words aren’t worth wasting. The discomfort of your silence will say more than any words ever could.

3. Your comeback collection

In situations where silence isn’t the answer, you can choose to respond verbally. Here is your set of ready-to-use graceful responses for handling disrespect like a pro.

The key here is to stay composed, put the other person on the spot just enough to make them rethink their words, and never let them pull you into their negativity.

Let’s go:

“What did you mean by that?“

When to use it: Anytime someone makes a passive – aggressive or rude remark that seems off but itsn’t outright hostile.

How it works: This forces them to either clarify what they said or realise that they’ve been caught being disrespectful. Many people will stumble, backtrack or soften their tone when asked to explain themselves. Even if they do go ahead and explain, their explanation will take their intended sting out of what they said to you.

“Sorry, could you repeat that?“

When to use it: When someone says something inappropriate or condescending and you want to put them on the spot without being confrontational.

How it works: Most people don’t expect to be called out, and having to repeat their words can make them reconsider what they’ve said.

It also gives you a moment to assess their intent before you decide to respond further. For example if they hesitate or soften their words, they likely realise they crossed a line but weren’t fully committed to being rude. If they repeat it confidently, they either stand by their words or don’t see the issue. Therefore their response gives you the choice to address them or to disengage. If they get defensive i.e. “You heard what I said”, it is obvious that they intended to be disrespectful but are now uncomfortable because you called them out.

It’s a subtle move but it forces the other person to reflect while giving you control over how you choose to respond next.

“Oh, that’s an interesting choice of words”

When to use it: When someone says something that’s subtly rude, and you want to acknowledge it without escalating the situation.

How it works: This keeps the conversation neutral but lets them know you’re aware of their tone. Your response subtly suggests that they might want to rethink how they speak to you.

“That’s an odd thing to say”

When to use it: When someone says something blatantly inappropriate, and you want to call it out.

How it works: It shifts the focus onto them and their behaviour. Instead of you scrambling to respond, they’re the ones left explaining themselves.

“Are you okay?”

When to use it: When someone is being unnecessarily rude and harsh.

How it works: This response flips the script, making them pause and reflect instead of letting them steamroll you. Instead of reacting to their rudeness, you subtly call it out, implying that their behaviour is unusual or out of character. Suddenly, they’re the ones on the spot, not you.

“I don’t think that came out the way you intended.”

When to use it: When someone makes a comment that could be interpreted as rude, and you want to give them a chance to correct themselves.

How it works: It allows them to save face while subtly reminding them to be more mindful of their words.

“Let’s keep this conversation respectful.”

When to use it: If someone is being dismissive, belittling, or condescending in a discussion.

How it works: In this instance it’s best to be direct. This response allows you to set a boundary without being aggressive. It signals that you won’t tolerate disrespect.

4. Repeat Offenders? Own your presence

Some people just love to push your buttons, especially when they know you have to be around them. Whether it’s a family member at gatherings or a colleague you can’t escape, the key is to manage YOUR energy, not theirs. You already know how they operate so don’t give them the reaction they’re fishing for.

If someone keeps disrespecting you despite your past responses, or silence it’s time to shut down disrespect by owning your presence. Owning your presence is about the energy you bring into a room and the nonverbal cues that signal confidence and self-respect. Before you even say a word, your energy introduces you.

Have you ever noticed how some people command respect, the moment they walk into a room? It certainly isn’t magic , it’s how they carry themselves.

Remind yourself: Their words don’t define me. Their energy isn’t mine to carry. Secure, confident people don’t waste energy tearing others down

How to own your presence

Keep your posture strong, your voice steady and your expressions neutral. A calm assured vibe tells the world, I know my worth. When you own your space, people think twice before testing you.

If someone tries to undermine you, try not to shrink, hold your ground. Literally. Uncross your arms, relax your shoulders, and stay present in the moment. If the repeat offenders are expecting you to fidget or look away, do the opposite. That small act alone shifts the power dynamic without you saying a single word.

Owning your presence with a repeat offender sends a clear message. You’re not worth my energy, and you don’t have power here. Eventually, they’ll get bored of trying.

5. Make it a ‘THEM’ problem

Shut down disrespect by shifting your mindset.

As I said in the introduction to this post, disrespect often has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. Maybe they’re insecure, maybe they thrive on belittling others, or maybe they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Either way, it’s not your baggage to carry.

When you remind yourself of this, their words lose power.

How to focus on it being a ‘them’ problem

Instead of thinking, why did they say that to me? Flip it to why did they feel the need to say that at all? It’s actually quite sad if you think about it.

The next time someone throws shade, mentally toss it right back where it came from with zero emotional attachment.

Most importantly, mentally prep before you even walking into a room. Remind yourself: Their words don’t define me. Their energy isn’t mine to carry. Secure, confident people don’t waste energy tearing others down.

Remember you’re above that kind of energy.

Stay composed, hold your ground and let your confidence do the talking. Eventually they’ll realise they have no power or you.

You’re all set

Dealing with disrespect isn’t about confrontation, it’s about mastering the skill to shut down disrespect in a way that reinforces your confidence and keeps your peace in tact. Next time you face a tricky situation, remember these strategies, especially your comeback collection.

Over to you

If this blog post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Drop a comment below.

If you know someone who could use these tips, feel free to share it with them. Don’t forget to check out my other posts for more confidence boosting tips.

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The One Trait That Sets Successful People Apart

How To Build Unshakeable Confidence

Hi there Harmony Hustlers, are you ready to build unshakeable confidence and unlock the secret to unstoppable success? In this post, I’m diving into exactly how to build your confidence. A trait that not only propelled me through the competitive world of Law, but can also transform your everyday life.

In this article, I’ll share the top five confidence lessons I’ve learned to date. From owning your mistakes to embracing lifelong learning and understanding the power of teamwork. These insights aren’t just for lawyers, instead they’re universal strategies. They can help anyone overcome fear, seize opportunities, and build a mindset that wins in every arena. Let’s dive in so you can focus on creating opportunities instead of just waiting for them.

Why ‘mindset’ matters for Unshakeable Confidence

If you were to ask my mother about my career path, she’d say I was born to argue. So becoming a lawyer was inevitable. I do confess to building a case for everything; whether it was why I needed a pottery maker at eight years old or why watching ‘Home Alone’ for the tenth time in a week was entirely reasonable. By seventeen, I was negotiating a trip to the States (I promise it wasn’t to meet Macaulay Culkin). I actually had the opportunity to visit the Supreme Court and I guess that was a valid reason for my parents to grant me permission to go.

The Power of Mindset: Believing before achieving

I always believed in the power of persuasion. I would convince myself that I already had what I wanted, even before I’d asked for permission. My arguments were structured, rehearsed (several times in front of the bathroom mirror) and backed with evidence.

In hindsight, I recognise that I was an extremely confident young woman. Somewhere along the way, I learned that with a strong argument, a little persuasion, and a ton of self-belief, anything was possible. I believed in my ability to win people over, so much so that I never doubted my ability to sway my parents to see things my way. That’s what mindset does. It allows you to believe that possibilities exist for you even before you have to persuade someone else to believe in them for you.

Our mindset determines whether we see doors as locked or as waiting to be pushed open.

Ironically, the unshakeable confidence I used to challenge my parents with, was instilled in me by my very own mother. While I may not have fully appreciated it back then, my mother played a pivotal role in shaping my ‘confidence mindset.’ From a young age, she planted the seeds of possibility, once telling me, “Those planes we see in the sky were created by humans just like you. If humans can learn how to fly, your mind can do anything you allow it to.”

Now, after reading countless books on success, I truly understand what a privilege it was to be raised with this mindset. Confidence isn’t just something we’re born with, it’s shaped by our environment, our upbringing and, most importantly, the way we think. The way we choose to think.

Our mindset determines whether we see doors as locked or as waiting to be pushed open. When confidence is built on this kind of mindset (the belief that we are capable, worthy and able to figure things out if we just try), it becomes unshakeable.

Confidence is a skill

If you fall into the trap of thinking that confidence is something you’re born with and that it is a personality trait, you may do yourself a disservice. Confidence is a skill, which may need polishing every now and then.

Without nurturing confidence, I might not have reached the place I’m in today. I have however had plenty of moments when I lost that spark, and it really showed in my actions. But when I realised that confidence is a skill that can be cultivated and refined, I made it my mission to build it up.

Growing up as a young South Asian female from a working-class immigrant family, I encountered numerous obstacles, but thanks to the strong foundation and support laid down by my parents, I never focused on being disadvantaged. I had no industry connections (no legal role models), and a state school education that barely prepared me for law. There were financial constraints and moving out for university wasn’t the norm in my community. But I did it anyway.

Looking back, I realise that unshakeable confidence was the key. Bit by bit, I learned to trust myself, push past obstacles and turn challenges into opportunities. And because of that I was able to carve my own path. A path that led to a legal career instead of what societal expectations would have had me settle for – marriage.

My confidence (mixed with a little bit of delusion) was so unshakable that none of the obstacles mattered to me. I decided what I wanted, believed I was capable, and went after it.

This is why I believe you can do the same.

5 Things I Learned About Confidence as a Lawyer

Let’s dive into the five key lessons I learned about confidence that apply to both law and life.

1. Stop Operating from a Place of Fear

Have you ever been in a meeting or had to speak in front of people, and suddenly your confident voice turns shaky, like you’ve gone from news anchor to Tweetie Pie from the Looney Tunes? That’s fear creeping in.

When you operate from a place of fear you’re worrying about what could go wrong instead of what you can do.

This fear is often prominent when you’re starting out in a new role, by way of a new job at a new company, a promotion into a more senior role at the same company and so on. The fear of messing up is normal. After all, you’re still figuring things out, and mistakes can happen. But the real challenge isn’t avoiding mistakes altogether, because that’s impossible. It’s learning how to handle them when they do happen. Knowing that you can figure it out allows you to put aside fear and take a more confident approach to whatever it is you’re faced with.

I remember constantly worrying about making mistakes when I first started out in law. What if one slip-up damaged my reputation, my career, or worse, my ability to practice? But here’s what I learned: trying to cover up a mistake often makes things ten times worse. Just recently, I read about a paralegal who got barred from the profession after trying to cover up missed emails by faking responses (The Law Society Gazette). The missed emails were the mistake- the covering up of the emails was the fear driven reaction that cost her, her career. It’s always better to own up, take responsibility and move forward.

“If you make a mistake, own up.”

Jon Goodwin– Solicitor advocate

Confidence comes from knowing that, no matter what happens, you’ll figure it out. Focus on your capabilities, not your shortcomings.

Life Application: Focus on avoiding operating from a place of fear, and when mistakes do happen, own up, address them and move forward. Confidence isn’t about never making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and mistakes are part of the learning process. What really matters is how you deal with them. Always handle a mistake with integrity. When you act with confidence, you build trust; not just with others, but with yourself.

2. Be a Sponge

The best thing you can do to build unshakeable confidence is to stay curious and open to learning. Confidence isn’t just about knowing everything, it’s about trusting that you can figure things out. The more you immerse yourself in learning the more adaptable and capable you become.

Even once you build expertise, never stop being a student. Adopt a lifelong learning mindset since it will serve you in every aspect of life. Some of the most confident lawyers I know are the ones who continuously seek knowledge. Not just from textbooks but from peers, juniors, and even clients. The most dangerous mindset is believing you already know it all.

Life Application: Growth fuels confidence, but knowledge alone doesn't guarantee it. 

I've seen incredibly intelligent colleagues hesitate to speak up in meetings, while others, sometimes with less expertise, speak with conviction and are taken seriously. 

Confidence isn’t just about what you know, but  how you apply it, how you present yourself and your willingness to step forward even when you don't have all the answers. 

Life is an ongoing learning process, and you’ll never have all the answers. If you keep waiting until you feel ready, you’ll only hold yourself back. You don’t need the wisdom of an 80-year-old at 20. What you do need is the confidence to take action with what you know now.  The rest, you’ll learn along the way.

3. Build a ‘Success’ Portfolio

I cannot stress enough the importance of documenting your development. As a Trainee, I had to document every case I worked on, every skill I developed, and every lesson I learned. It was time-consuming, but extremely valuable. I was lucky enough to have an incredible mentor who taught me so much. I wanted to make sure I retained all of his wisdom.

That official Trainee record lasted two years, but I believe everyone should maintain a ‘success portfolio’ throughout their career and life. A collection of your achievements, big and small which remind you of your progress. A success portfolio serves as evidence of your impact, strengthens your confidence, and provides invaluable material for promotions, performance reviews, or new opportunities.

Life Application: There may be times in life when you feel as though you haven’t achieved much. When self-doubt creeps in it’s easy to fall into this trap of minimising your success. In times like these, your success portfolio will remind you of how far you’ve come. Let your past achievements fuel your future confidence.

4. Unshakeable Confidence is a Team Effort

Whilst the saying “there’s no ‘I’ in team,” is true, many people struggle to embrace teamwork for collective success. Over time, I’ve realised that teamwork isn’t just an instinct, it’s a mindset.

When you see your team’s success as your own, your goals naturally align with its vision. You become an integral part of its growth, making every achievement feel personal and every challenge worth overcoming together. This mindset allows you to recognise the value you bring to a team.

As former commercial pilot Christen Killick puts it:

“Each one of us represents a cog in a wider system, and how we choose to operate affects the others within that system. Our contribution is unique – something no one else can bring…”

Life application: Confidence isn’t just about standing tall on your own. It’s also about recognising the strength that comes from being part of something bigger.

When you isolate yourself or focus too much on self-improvement in a vacuum, you risk missing out on the immense growth that comes from collaboration, contribution, and shared experiences.

Being part of a community isn’t about losing yourself, it’s about expanding who you are.

When you shift your mindset from 'What am I getting?' to 'What can I give?', you create a sense of purpose that reinforces your self-worth. By contributing to something beyond yourself, you’re not only building relationships but you’re building you.

5. Unshakeable Confidence Always Wins

When you understand the power of confidence you realise that it is a gateway to opportunities you might not even realise exist.

In my career, I learned that having the unshakeable confidence to say “yes” to small opportunities often led to much bigger ones down the line.

Imagine this: someone at work asks you to present to a client or pitch an idea to the wider team. If you feel confident, you step up. That single decision could lead to internal recognition, new projects, or even external opportunities like headhunting. But if self-doubt takes over and you say ‘no’, thinking you’re only turning down a presentation opportunity and that’s all, you might be closing the door on something much bigger, something that could change the trajectory of your career.

Life Application: Don’t let your lack of confidence hold you back from achieving big things.

When you operate from a place of unshakeable confidence, you naturally become more open to challenges, risks, and moments that could transform your career or life.

Unshakelable confidence doesn’t guarantee success, but it positions you for it. When you carry yourself with belief in your abilities, people take notice. Compare how you feel when you’re in your element versus when self-doubt creeps in. The difference is striking. The more you show up as the confident version of yourself, the more you invite success in all areas of life.

The Power of Unshakeable Confidence

Confidence is truly a transformative power. In law, and in life, unshakeable confidence is what sets you apart.

It is the key to unlocking your full potential.

Unshakeable confidence isn’t arrogance. It’s not about knowing everything or never making mistakes. Instead it’s about believing in your ability to figure things out. It is what gives you the courage to take risks, push past limitations, and keep going when faced with setbacks. It is the driving force that propels you forward, and it is confidence that enables you to build the skills and determination needed to thrive.

Confidence is the spark that makes everything possible and without it, even the most talented and skilled individuals can struggle to move forward. Confidence makes every challenge feel conquerable and every goal feel attainable.

Alongside believing in your abilities, it’s about believing that you deserve to succeed. And with that belief, you become unstoppable.

If you found this post helpful, make sure to leave a comment below, and check out my other posts on confidence including 'How to Rebuild Confidence – 7 top tips' & '10 Daily Habits to skyrocket your Confidence at work.' Happy reading! 

P.S Remember to hit the subscribe button so you never miss a post :)

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How to Ace Your Next Interview using The STAR Method

Hi there, Harmony Hustlers, welcome to this week’s post on how to use the STAR method during interviews.

If you’ve ever been in a job interview where you suddenly freeze when asked, ‘Tell me about a time when…’? Trust me, you’re not alone!” The STAR method however, can help prevent awkward situations like this from happening.

The key to interview success is preparation and the STAR method will help you to thoroughly prepare for your next interview.

If you’ve never come across the STAR method, don’t worry we’ll run through everything in this post and you’ll be a pro by the end.

Let’s dive in!

A. Understanding the STAR method

What Is the STAR Method?

So, what exactly is the STAR method? Simply put, it is a straight forward framework that helps you structure your responses to behavioural questions.

The STAR in the STAR method is an acronym for ‘Situation, Task, Action, Result.’ Each component plays a crucial role in telling your story effectively.

What are Behavioural Interview Questions?

Behavioural interview questions are questions that are designed by employers as a mechanism to understand a perspective interviewee’s past behaviour in determining their future behaviours.

Behavioural interview questions often request specific examples from your past experiences to demonstrate your skills in action i.e. Tell me about a time you overcame a challenge?

I’ll be the first to admit that when faced with an open-ended question, especially one where the intent isn’t immediately clear, I often find myself rambling on about everything I think the questioner wants to hear.

If you’ve ever found yourself in the same position, you know how challenging it can be to stick to the main point of your story without veering off on a tangent. Add the nerves of an interview into the mix, and the likelihood of a 10-minute ramble skyrockets! That’s where the STAR method comes in. It’s the perfect framework to help you stay focused and ensure you answer questions precisely as intended, keeping your responses clear and impactful.

What is the STAR method?

As mentioned above the STAR method is a simple framework that helps you structure your responses to behavioural questions. It has 4 key components. Let’s take a look at each one in turn.

Situation: Here you will describe the context within which you performed a task or faced a challenge at work. This sets the stage for your story and gives the interviewer background on what was happening.
Task: Here you’ll explain the specific responsibility or role you had in that situation. What were you required to do, and what were your objectives? Be careful not to confuse this with the next step, which focuses on actions.
Action: This next component details the steps you took to address the task or challenge. This is the most important part of your response, where you highlight the specific actions you took and your thought process.
Result: The final element requires you to share the outcomes of your actions. You should to try to quantify your results if possible. For example customer satisfaction ratings increased by 15%.

How To Use The STAR Method During Your Interviews

Why the STAR method is essential for interviews

The STAR method is most certainly your secret weapon for interview success. It helps you craft responses that are not only structured and focused but also compelling and easy to follow. It essentially allows you to organises your thoughts, making it easier for the interviewer to grasp the full picture of your experiences.

By breaking down your answer into the steps of Situation, Task, Action, and Result, you avoid getting lost in unnecessary details and ensure your story has a clear, impactful conclusion.

This method lets you showcase your strengths, problem-solving abilities, and teamwork skills in a way that’s both concise and memorable. It also sets you apart from other candidates, leaving a lasting positive impression.

And here’s the best part: you can practice ahead of time! I always recommend preparing around eight STAR-based answers before your interview. I always recommend learning about eight practice answers using the STAR method so that when you are asked approximately 3 to 5 behavioural questions in an interview you have a bank of answers ready.

B. How to Use the STAR method to Ace Your Interviews

Now that we know what the STAR method is and the benefits of using it, let’s dive into how to use the method using an example.

Example question 1: 
"Tell me about a time you had to overcome a significant challenge at work. What did you do?"

Step 1: Crafting Your ‘Situation’

In this step we’re going to focus at looking at the specifics of setting the scene for your story. So consider things such as ‘where you were’, ‘who was involved’, and ‘what the context was’.

Remember that the key is to choose a situation that aligns well with the job you’re applying for, since the idea is to show the interviewer why you are the best candidate for this particular job.

A lot of jobs have transferable skills so don’t worry if you’re going into a completely different sector because you can always spin your answer to make it relevant to the job that you’re applying for.

For instance, if you’re applying for a receptionist’s job but your background is in telesales, you can highlight through the STAR method, how your experience managing high volumes of calls, resolving customer issues, and maintaining professionalism under pressure is directly applicable to creating a welcoming and efficient front desk environment. The key is to spin your story to show how your past actions and results align with the new job’s requirements.

In order to do this well you can look at the employers job description and focus on the qualities that they are seeking.

So let’s apply step 1 of STAR to the sample question. Here’s how we could set the scene:

“In my previous role as a paralegal, I was assigned to assist in a complex litigation case that involved multiple parties and extensive documentation. A few days before an important court hearing, the team realised that a significant amount of critical evidence that had been collected was missing from the case file. This created a substantial challenge because it would undermine our client’s position in court.”

This example states clearly what the previous role was, the context and the problem.

Step 2: Defining Your ‘Task’

In step 2 we’re going to define the task. It’s important to clarify the specific role you had in the solving the problem from Step 2. State what you were specifically responsible for.

So let’s apply step 2 of STAR to the sample question:

“As the paralegal responsible for organising the evidence and preparing the case file it was my duty to locate the missing documents quickly and to ensure that the lead solicitor had everything needed for the hearing. The pressure was on, as time was limited and we couldn’t afford any delays.”

The answer clearly states what the Paralegal’s responsibility was.

Step 3: Highlighting Your ‘Action’

Now that you’ve set the scene and you’ve explained your role within the given scenario, you’re now going to move onto explaining the steps you took to address the challenge. This is your time to really shine!

It’s best to use action verbs to convey confidence and decisiveness. Phrases like “I initiated,” “I coordinated,” or “I developed” can make your actions stand out.

So let’s apply step 3 of STAR to the sample question:

“To address the challenge, I first conducted a thorough review of our digital and physical filing systems to trace where the documents might have been misplaced. I reached out to colleagues who had also worked on the case to see if they had any leads. I then contacted the opposing counsel to check if they had copies of any of the documents in question. Additionally, I prepared a summary of what was missing and proposed alternative evidence that could support our case in the hearing.”

Step 4: Concluding with the ‘Result’

Now that you’ve set the scene, explained your role, highlighted the actions you took, it’s time to show the impact of your actions. If the outcome wasn’t something worth screaming from the rooftops about, is there really any point to your story so far?

Let’s look at how we’d apply Step 4 to the sample question:

“As a result of my efforts, I successfully located the missing documents just in time for the hearing. The lead attorney was able to present a comprehensive case, which ultimately led to a favourable ruling for our client. This experience taught me the importance of thoroughness and quick thinking, as well as the value of teamwork and communication in a high-pressure environment.”

It’s always a good idea to reflect on the lessons learned from the experience. This can add depth to your answer and show your growth as a professional.

C. Consolidating the STAR method using another example

Now that we’ve broken down all the steps on how to address a behavioural interview question using each step, let’s take a look at another example. This time we will consider another industry i.e. the retail industry.

Scenario: Handling a Difficult Customer

Example Question 2: 
"Tell me about a time when you had to deal with a difficult customer. How did you handle the situation?"

Situation:

“In my previous role as a customer service representative at a retail company, I encountered a situation where a customer was extremely upset because they had received the wrong product after placing an online order. The customer was very frustrated and demanded a full refund, while also threatening to leave a negative review.”

Reminder: Set the scene by clearly explaining the context. Make sure to include key details, like the customer’s frustration and the urgency of the situation.

Task:

“My primary responsibility was to de-escalate the situation, ensure the customer felt heard and valued, and find a solution that would resolve their issue while maintaining the company's reputation. It was important to both appease the customer and follow company policy on refunds and exchanges.”

Reminder: Highlight your role and the challenge you were up against. In this case, balancing customer satisfaction with company policy was key.

Action:

“I first listened carefully to the customer’s concerns without interrupting, allowing them to fully express their frustration. Then, I apologised sincerely for the mistake and assured them that I would personally handle their issue. I checked our inventory to ensure the correct product was available and offered to expedite the shipping at no extra cost. I also provided a discount on their next purchase as a goodwill gesture (with approval from my manager). I kept the customer updated throughout the process to ensure they felt supported.”

Reminder: Focus on the specific steps you took to resolve the issue. Emphasise your communication skills, empathy, and proactive approach.

Result:

“As a result of my actions, the customer’s anger was diffused, and they appreciated the quick resolution. They not only agreed to accept the correct product but also left a positive review praising the customer service. This experience led to a positive outcome for both the customer and the company, and I received recognition from my manager for my effective handling of the situation.”

Reminder: Conclude with the positive outcome of your actions, using specific results like a positive review or recognition from your manager to demonstrate your impact.

Key Takeaway

By structuring your response to this question using the STAR method, you effectively showcase your ability to handle difficult situations, demonstrate empathy, and achieve positive results, which are all valuable qualities in a customer service role.

D: Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

Pitfall 1: Being Too Vague

Make sure to always have in mind what the key takeaway for each step is. Don’t be too vague. Using the above example question discussed above:

A vague answer would be :

“I had a customer who was upset about something. I apologised to them and offered a solution, and they ended up being satisfied.”

Instead make sure to provide enough detail and avoid leaving the interviewer guessing.

Pitfall 2: Forgetting the Result

Always tie your actions back to the result to show your impact.

One of the most common pitfalls when using the STAR method is forgetting to tie your actions back to a clear, measurable result. Without showing the outcome, your response may fail to reflect the true impact of your actions.

The entire purpose of this structure is to highlight the key points of your answer.

If you tell the story of how you worked at X company (Situation), and your role was to create marketing content (Task) and that you did exactly what your job asked you to (Action) without offering a clear result of your actions, then you are not applying the STAR method correctly, nor are you presenting yourself in a compelling or impactful way.

An example of an Incomplete Answer:

“I had a customer who was upset because they received the wrong product. I apologised, checked our inventory, and arranged for the correct item to be sent to them.”

This is what you would be expected to do as part of your job and it does not highlight your individual skillset.

Pitfall 3: Overloading on Details

While it’s important to provide enough context, overloading your response with too many details can cause the interviewer to lose focus and miss the key points. The STAR method is most effective when you stick to the highlights and keep your answer concise.

Example of an Overloaded Answer:

"In my previous job as a customer service representative, I dealt with a customer who had ordered three items: a blue sweater, a pair of black jeans, and a red scarf. The sweater was supposed to be delivered by Friday, but due to a mix-up in the warehouse, it wasn’t shipped until Monday. I had to first contact the warehouse to confirm the error. I looked everywhere in store for the number but I couldn’t find it, so my manager located it on the system for me. I then checked the tracking information to see where the sweater was, and I found out it was still in transit. I had to inform the customer, who was very upset because they needed the sweater for an event- I think it was their friend’s birthday or something. I offered to speed up the shipping by calling the courier service to arrange for faster delivery, and kept the customer updated at every step. Eventually, the sweater arrived on Wednesday, and the customer was relieved."

Don’t do this. The interviewer does not need to know the colour of the clothes, or that you couldn’t find the number to contact someone or that it was the customers friends birthday. Keep your answers concise and stick to the key points.

E. Closing Tips for Using the STAR method

1. Practice: Prepare several STAR responses in advance, tailored to the job description.

2. Be Concise: Keep your answers focused on the key points; avoid overloading with details.

3. Adapt: Tailor your STAR examples to different types of questions (e.g., leadership, problem-solving, teamwork).

4. Reflect: After each interview, reflect on your STAR responses and consider how you can improve for the next one.

F. Recap of the STAR method

You’re all set to apply the STAR Method

Can you ace an interview without knowing how to use the STAR method?’ I think you might get lucky a few times, but without it you’re reducing your chances of doing well. So why leave it to chance?

The STAR method gives you a clear way to structure your answers and highlight your strengths, helping you stand out from the competition.

So, as you prepare for your next interview, remember that mastering the STAR method can make all the difference in showcasing your unique story and skills. With a little practice, you’ll be ready to shine and show interviewers exactly why you’re the perfect fit.

I hope this post helps you to step into that interview room with the confidence to tell your story, impress your interviewer, and take the next step towards your dream job!

Call to Action

Keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming article in which I will provide you with a ready-to-use STAR method template to make your interview prep even easier.

As always if you have a story to share or a question about the STAR method, drop me a comment below or share this post with someone who could use a little interview boost. Also if you do try this method for your next interview, I’d love to hear how it went.

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Shabnam Younus-Jewell -The Sports Media Trailblazer You Need To Know

Hi Harmony Hustlers! I’m delighted to kick off this series for South Asian Heritage Month with the amazing Shabnam Younus-Jewell as our first guest.

You may or may not know that South Asian Heritage Month, runs from July 18 to August 17 every year. It is a time to celebrate and honour the vibrant culture, rich history, and amazing contributions of South Asian communities across the UK. With this in mind, I have interviewed a number of powerful voices from the South Asian Community to give you insights into their lives and their personal successes.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell has made a mark in journalism and broadcasting. Her journey is truly inspiring. She started her impressive career in journalism and now works as a BBC Sport Radio and TV Presenter, hosts the “Framed” Snooker podcast, plays on the World Women’s Snooker Tour, and serves as a Wellbeing Champion for BBC Sport.

South Asian Heritage Month – “Free To Be Me.”

South Asian Heritage Month, embraces the rich diversity and culture of the South Asian community. It’s a month about exploring the vibrant diversity that comes from countries like Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bhutan, and the Maldives. This year’s theme, “Free to Be Me,” celebrates the beauty of authenticity and individuality.

Shabnam’s transition from news journalism to full-time sports broadcasting is remarkable. In this interview, Shabnam shares her early aspirations and how she turned her dreams into reality. She also discusses the incredible opportunities she’s had and offers her insights on diversity, representation, and mental health. Plus, she gives us a peek into her daily routine and offers some tips for anyone looking to follow in her footsteps.

Whether you’re passionate about sports, dreaming of a journalism career, or just in need of some inspiration, Shabnam’s story is sure to remind you of what’s possible when you follow your passion.

A. Journey Through Journalism and Sports

1. Can you start by telling us about when your interest in journalism and sports began, and what inspired you to pursue these fields as a career?

I’ve always had a creative streak, and English was my favourite subject in school, mostly because of my first love: reading. As I got older and started thinking about what I wanted to do, I knew I needed a career that would let my creativity shine. It was during my A-Levels, while taking Media Studies, that journalism first caught my eye—especially after trying my hand at the college radio station. I enjoyed broadcasting so much that I ended up doing work experience at our local station, Rock FM. The excitement of the newsroom was absolutely thrilling—walking in each day with no clue what stories you’d be covering, getting to chat with ordinary people who had extraordinary stories, sports stars, politicians, celebrities—you name it! It was this buzz that made me realize journalism was the perfect fit for me.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell has an impressive career in journalism. She now works as a BBC Sport Radio and TV Presenter, hosts the “Framed” Snooker podcast, plays on the World Women’s Snooker Tour, and serves as a Wellbeing Champion for BBC Sport.

I’ve had the chance to interview all sorts of people in some pretty bizarre situations. Like the time I interviewed Tony Blair when he was Prime Minister, and my recorder batteries died—I actually had to make him wait while someone dashed to the shop for more (thankfully, we use our phones now!). Or that time I chatted with David Hasselhoff—yes, “The Hoff” from Baywatch—while on a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. There was also the time Ed Sheeran ran past us in the middle of an Easter Egg hunt around our office, or when I was sent to interview legendary football managers like Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger. These are all incredible stories that I absolutely love to tell.

2. You’ve transitioned from news journalism to sports journalism and now specialise in snooker. What motivated these shifts in your career, and what led you to focus specifically on snooker?

That’s a really good question because I actually made the shift to sports journalism quite late in my career, transitioning full-time in 2017. I joined the BBC two years before that, working for Radio 5 Live and on regional TV for North West Tonight. During that time, I’d often spend my days off doing the odd sports bulletin shift on 5 Live, just because I genuinely enjoyed it. Sport had always been something that brought me joy, so it felt like a natural fit.

But the turning point for me came with the last major news story I covered at North West Tonight—the Manchester Arena bombing on May 22, 2017. That was, without a doubt, the hardest story I’ve ever worked on. Manchester is the city closest to my heart, being so near to where I’m from, Blackburn. The scale of the attack and the pain it caused to the victims and their families is something that will stay with me forever. I vividly remember working on a montage for the end of the program one night, featuring the victims’ names and photos, set to music. Driving home that night, I felt I’d done a good job, but I also felt incredibly sad that my creativity was being used for something so tragic. I couldn’t shake it off—it affected my sleep and made me realise that working in the news was no longer good for my mental well-being. Thankfully, a job in sports news opened up, and I got it.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell | BBC Sport Radio and TV Presenter

Then, the following year, another dream came true. An opportunity to cover the World Snooker Championship came up, and I asked if I could be given a shot. Snooker was a sport I knew more about than most and had a deep love for—thanks to my dad, who’s a huge snooker fan.

I studied at Sheffield University, which is the home of the World Championship at the Crucible Theatre, so heading back to Sheffield in 2018 to report on the tournament for BBC radio stations felt like a full-circle moment. That year was one that I will never forget, especially because Welsh legend Mark Williams won and followed through on a bet he’d made with journalists earlier, to do his winning press conference naked. Fair play to him, he stuck to his word!

I’m incredibly grateful to my boss for giving me that initial chance to cover the World Snooker Championship because I’ve never looked back since. This year marked my seventh World Championship, and I’ve had the opportunity to appear on TV and start my snooker podcast, Framed—the BBC’s first snooker podcast—which is now approaching its 100th episode. It features players and other interesting people from the world of snooker which has allowed me to get to know so many people in this sport and vice versa. A couple of years ago, I even picked up my cue and started playing on the World Women’s Tour, which has been a challenging but amazing experience. So that’s how I ended up specialising in snooker, and I hope to be a part of the sport and its coverage for as long as I can.

I also want people to know that it’s never too late to change careers or take up something new. My shift from news to sports journalism later in life shows that you can always pivot and go after what truly fulfils you.

3. You’ve covered a range of major events, including Wimbledon, the Commonwealth Games, and a special Paralympics 2020 programme for the World Service. How do these experiences compare to your initial expectations of when you started your career? Did you ever imagine you’d be covering such a diverse range of events?

These experiences have surpassed even my wildest dreams from when I first began working in sports. I remember being asked early on at a training session about my top three bucket list sporting events. I mentioned a world snooker final at the Crucible, a Wimbledon men’s final, and a football World Cup final. Now, I still pinch myself that I’ve managed to check off two out of three.

I never imagined I’d be knowledgeable or capable enough to work in sports full-time. However, I’ve learned that if you’re a dedicated journalist who embraces continuous learning and growth, you can cover any subject. Research and preparation are crucial, and fortunately, I enjoy making notes with coloured pens and drawings which I sometimes share on social media and it’s great to see that people seem to enjoy them!

I love the variety of sporting events I cover – for instance, Wimbledon is very different from a multisport event like the Commonwealth Games, which is spread over so many different venues and you’ll never know which sport you might be working on.

I have worked hard and earned my opportunities but I also feel very fortunate and never take it for granted. Every time I find myself in an amazing place, I am thankful and take a moment to appreciate it, as you never know if and when you’ll do it again.

B. Diversity and Representation in Media

As a South Asian woman in sports, you bring a unique and inspiring perspective to a field where diversity in gender and ethnicity is still limited. It’s quite rare to see South Asian women making a mark in sports and sports media, so your success really stands out. With this in mind:

4. Growing up, did you feel fairly represented in the media?

Sadly the answer is no. Although admittedly, I never really thought about it when I was younger. It was only when I got older and things began to progress in terms of representation, that I noticed the lack of representation for me and my community growing up.

I rarely saw anyone who looked like me presenting the news or sports, or appearing in the TV programmes that I watched growing up.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell

Sir Trevor McDonald was the most important figure and a major source of inspiration for many black and Asian individuals interested in the media at the time. But beyond that, there were very few faces that reflected my own experiences.

“This year marked my seventh World Championship, and I’ve had the opportunity to appear on TV and start my snooker podcast, Framed—the BBC’s first snooker podcast—which is now approaching its 100th episode.”

One of my first Asian female role models was Ranvir Singh, who is a Lancashire girl just like me. When she became the main presenter on North West Tonight in 2007, it was incredible to see. I wanted to follow in her footsteps and now, very proudly, I too have North West Tonight on my CV.

5. How do you feel about the current level of representation for South Asian women in sports, and what changes or advancements would you like to see to better support and represent South Asian voices in these fields?

While representation is much better now, there’s still a long way to go. We see Asian female presenters on most channels now, but there are still few commentating or specialising in specific sports. Isa Guha is a standout in cricket, and Reshmin Chowdhury is a fantastic football journalist/presenter, but we need more voices like theirs.

I also think that there still aren’t enough regional accents heard in the media, especially from mainstream broadcasters.

Currently, I’m the only Asian female snooker journalist in my particular role. I often lead press interviews with players – and although it was daunting at first, I now take great pride and satisfaction in my work, growing more confident with each opportunity. I want others to see this and realise that they can do it too.

At a grassroots level, it’s crucial that Asian girls receive encouragement from their families to get involved in sports. Support from parents is essential for them to chase their dreams and also benefits their overall health.

“I rarely saw anyone who looked like me presenting the news or sports, or appearing in the TV programmes that I watched growing up.”

I feel really lucky to come from a family where our parents encouraged and allowed us to follow our dreams. I am the eldest of 6 and we all have completely different careers – we often joke about how none of us could do each other’s job!

C. Wellbeing Champion

6. Being a Wellbeing Champion is a fantastic role where you get to focus on promoting positive mental health. How do you find this aspect of your work?

Everyone has ups and downs with their mental health just like with physical health, and I applaud my sports department for giving me this role which allows me to help my colleagues with their wellbeing. I have a dedicated day each week to focus on this role, where I’m available for conversations, walks and coffee meetings. I also get to organise events.

Whilst working in this high-pressure environment is great fun, there are also difficulties with travelling a lot and delivering to tight deadlines. These factors along with everything else that goes on in our lives, impact our work and we all need some support to cope with it all.

I’ve personally struggled with depressive episodes, and managing my mental health is an ongoing journey. I thank God that during my most difficult times, I have been working in sports because it truly is a saviour for me. The work completely absorbs me, allowing me to forget my worries and live in the moment.

Also, the athletes’ stories inspire me so much; even if I’m feeling utterly awful one minute, as soon as the mic goes live, my focus shifts entirely from what I am describing and I cannot help but get invested in the Sport. It’s magical!

I think it’s so important to look after your mental health, especially given how much of our lives we spend at work. Naturally, it is important to focus on wellbeing in the workplace. This role has given me purpose and helped me to reflect on my own well-being too. I understand that I can’t help anyone if I’m feeling low myself.

Our recent staff surveys have scored well on this subject and this gives me real satisfaction. I believe this success reflects not just my efforts, but the entire department’s commitment to improving staff wellbeing.

7. What have you discovered about encouraging open conversations and supporting mental health within the South Asian community?

In the South Asian community, it’s always been a very difficult, almost taboo subject, but I think things are getting better. The awareness is increasing and people in general are more open to talking about their mental health. That said, there is still quite a lot of work to be done, especially when it comes to getting men to open up more. This is however a wider problem, not limited to the South Asian community only.

D. Shabnam Younus- Jewell ‘s Advice for Aspiring Journalists

8. For young South Asians aspiring to enter the field of journalism and broadcasting, what advice would you give to them?

The advice has really changed since I was young and advised to just write to media organisations for work experience. These days, I’d still suggest getting in touch with these organisations and reaching out to people in the field you’re interested in, alongside utilising the benefits of social media. Aspiring journalists can now showcase their talents for free of platforms such as YouTube.

If you want to be a reporter, go ahead and report on something, then share it online. Start your own channel or page. If you want to be a presenter or commentator, have a go and post that. Highlight your strengths.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell ’s story is more than just about breaking barriers in journalism and sports; it’s about paving the way for the next generation of women aiming to make their mark.

Also, watch and listen to as much of the output that you want to work on. Seek out good journalists and find out what makes them good.

If you’re interested in joining the BBC, check out the apprenticeship schemes online if you’re aged 18 or over.

I’m always here to help, answer any questions, or to have a chat. If you want to email me please do on, shabnam.younus-jewell@bbc.co.uk

E. Glimpse into Your Day and Future Plans

8. Given that ufshah.co is all about helping women find a balance in life and achieve their goals, can you share how you manage to juggle the various demands of your career whilst also ensuring you reach your personal and professional goals?

The saying “no two days are ever the same” couldn’t apply more to my life, and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t think I could cope with a 9-5 pm job with the same routine every day. My days are a mix of shifts across both domestic and international radio—mostly sports bulletins for Radio 5 Live, Radio 4, and Radio 2, as well as presenting programs on the World Service. Plus every 6 weeks I present TV sports bulletins on the BBC news channel.

My shifts vary; one day I might be working from 11 am to 7 pm, and the next from 4 pm to midnight. We don’t have weekends off or fixed rota patterns, but I’m a hybrid worker, so I can also work from home. On top of that, I record at least one snooker podcast each week, and Wednesdays are dedicated to well-being.

Whilst my shifts vary, I start my day with 20 minutes of yoga and a good breakfast, which is my favourite part of the day.

Shabnam Younus-Jewell

On late shift days, I make an effort to fit in some exercise, whether that’s hitting the gym, swimming, going for a walk, or a run. I also find time for snooker practice, either at my local club for an hour or two or with a practice partner.

I love cooking so I try and make all my meals from scratch whenever I can. Then there are chores etc, but I follow a daily wellbeing rule: move my body, connect with a loved one (whether through meeting up or a phone call), eat and sleep well, and try to achieve something, no matter how small. I actually started keeping a journal to stick to these good habits and it has really helped to bring up and maintain my personal “battery levels”, as my Counsellor called them.

My husband and I, are both sports journalists and we do talk shop at home which is nice, but to really relax, we try to actively switch off by sitting down with the cat and watching TV. I do also really value time alone. I think it’s important and it helps that I enjoy my own company!

9. What’s next for you in your career? Are there any upcoming projects or goals you’re excited about?

You’ve caught me at an exciting time! I’ve just been invited to Paris to cover the Paralympics for the World Service as a presenter. It’ll be my first time at an Olympic or Paralympic Games, and I am very excited. Bring on the incredible stories – and a croissant or two!

I also want to continue improving my snooker skills and to continue specialising in it as a broadcaster.

It’s really important to have dreams and aspirations to work towards and manifest. I believe in manifesting by picturing what you want and always having it in your mind. Personally, I’ve always dreamed of writing a book, and that’s a goal I keep in the back of my mind.

One of my favourite quotes is “It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” I live by that.

Pursue Your Dreams, Embrace Diversity, and Stay True to yourself

Shabnam Younus-Jewell ’s story is more than just about breaking barriers in journalism and sports; it’s about paving the way for the next generation of women aiming to make their mark.

Her dedication to her craft, commitment to mental well-being, and focus on diversity in the media make Shabnam a fantastic role model for not only South Asian woman, but for women everywhere.

As she continues to achieve her dreams and inspire others, Shabnam reminds us all of the power of perseverance, self-care, and the courage to carve out our own paths.

Whether you’re dreaming of a journalism career, passionate about sports, or simply trying to balance the demands of life, Shabnam’s journey offers valuable lessons on the importance of following your dreams, staying determined, and being true to yourself.

Seize the Opportunity: Let Shabnam Younus-Jewell ’s Journey Inspire Your Next Steps

If you’re looking to dive deeper into the world of sports journalism or want to stay updated on the latest in snooker, don’t forget to check out Shabnam’s Framed podcast—now nearing its 100th episode!

After hearing from Shabnam Younus-Jewell, don’t miss the next blog post in this series where we dive into the inspiring journey of Anam Iqbal, a brilliant British South Asian author whose debut novel, The Exes, is making waves. Anam’s unique blend of cultural insight and personal experience brings a fresh and compelling voice to the literary world. You won’t want to miss her story either!

And while we’re celebrating South Asian Heritage Month, why not take a moment to explore and share your own heritage and stories? Whether through your passions, career, or personal journey, join the conversation! Drop your thoughts, stories, or how you’re celebrating South Asian Heritage Month in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you!

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Anam Iqbal – The Author Of The Exes & The New South Asian Voice To Watch Out For

Hi Harmony Hustlers, I’m thrilled to introduce Anam Iqbal, the brilliant mind behind The Exes, as the next guest in this series.

As part of the celebration of South Asian Heritage Month, we’re diving deep into conversations around identity, representation, and the power of storytelling.

South Asian Heritage Month – “Free To Be Me”

South Asian Heritage Month, celebrated annually from 18 July to 17 August, embraces the rich diversity and culture of the South Asian community. This month is all about exploring the vibrant diversity that comes from countries like Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Bhutan, and the Maldives. This year’s theme, “Free to Be Me,” celebrates the beauty of authenticity and individuality.

Anam Iqbal ‘s journey as a British South Asian Author is both inspiring and empowering. She’s channelled her deep cultural roots and personal experiences into her debut novel, The Exes.

Anam Iqbal isn’t just a talented writer; she’s also a highly educated thinker with an impressive academic background. With an MSc in Social Anthropology from Oxford (yes THE Oxford), Anam has done extensive research on British South Asian culture, especially how gender, faith, and identity intersect.

This academic insight, coupled with her lived experiences, has given The Exes an authenticity and unique heartfelt perspective that’s hard to find.

In this interview, Anam Iqbal shares the inspirations behind her novel, the challenges she’s faced in the publishing industry, and her thoughts on navigating the complexities of representing a diverse community in literature. Her answers are thoughtful, honest, and brimming with passion for her craft and her culture.

Whether you’re a fan of heartfelt stories, interested in the experiences of South Asian women in literature, or just love hearing from authors who write with purpose and passion, Anam’s story is one you’ll want to dive into. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this conversation with a writer who’s not only making waves but also paving the way for future voices.

A. Anam Iqbal ‘s Journey as a South Asian Author:

1. Your debut novel, The Exes, has been described as ‘British South Asian Gossip Girl meets Crazy Rich Asians.’ Can you tell us how your South Asian heritage and personal experiences have inspired the story of The Exes?

The Exes has been inspired by my South Asian heritage and personal experiences in a myriad of ways. This Young Adult Contemporary novel is infused with so many of the cultural realities I’ve perceived around me whilst growing up as a British Pakistani Muslim girl in London. Throughout the story, there is a rich presence of Pakistani clothing, food and culture, and this emerged very organically because both of the main characters in this narrative are British South Asians.

I drew upon many of my own memories of what I’d seen growing up in London, whether it was attending lavish weddings with my family, visiting my local mosque or overhearing random aunties gossiping about what other girls in my community were getting up to. I also tapped into my creativity, imagining various scenarios and wondering how they would play out. I considered how they would affect different people from my community, especially in accordance with the intersectionality of their class, gender and interpretation of faith.

It was important to me to write a novel that authentically captured the experience of growing up as a British South Asian. The Exes simultaneously explores all the joys and hardships of being a part of this diasporic community. There are many elements that tie The Exes to a traditional rom-com, such as a Big Fat Desi Wedding, gossip scandals and a swoon-worthy.

I have not shied away from including some intense deeper themes in the story, such as honour, shame, Islamophobia in the British media and the patriarchy. I couldn’t write a proudly and authentically British South Asian Muslim story without including all aspects of the experience – the black, white and grey of it all (and, of course, brown!).

I, myself have experienced Islamophobia and racism whilst growing up, and the British South Asian community does have many elements of gender inequality and patriarchy, which we are still in the process of dismantling, and so, naturally, these aspects are also a part of the story.

B. Academic Inspiration

2. Your MSc in Social Anthropology from Oxford, along with your thesis on British South Asian culture, significantly influenced The Exes. How did these academic experiences shape the narrative and characters of your novel?

My grandparents or parents didn’t go into higher education and so my siblings and I were the first people in our family history to graduate from university. It was an especially proud moment for my parents when I gained admission into the University of Oxford for an MSc Social Anthropology degree, and it served to change my life in so many ways.

Funnily enough, my time at Oxford simultaneously exposed me to the potential of a whole other way of life (which initially drew me in, albeit briefly) and also propelled me to draw closer to my roots than ever before.

Before going to Oxford, I hadn’t socialised with many people from upper-class backgrounds, and it made me more aware than ever before of aspects such as privilege, skin colour and the power of networking or status. The varying aspects of these threads are explored through the lens of my main characters in The Exes, who are from vastly differing class backgrounds, yet attempt to make their love story work. Therefore, my personal experiences at Oxford served to shape the story in my debut novel in profound ways.

Furthermore, the research I conducted for my thesis directly planted the seed from which The Exes grew. For my thesis, I decided to study British South Asian culture. I specifically studied aspects of gender, faith and personal identity, and how these three factors intertwine to create an individual’s cultural reality.

I went into my research assuming I already had a clear idea and abundant knowledge of the British South Asian Muslim experience, especially since I am a part of that community. However, through conducting interviews with people of varying socio-economic backgrounds and from different walks of life, I discovered just how little I knew. It was an eye-opening and humbling experience for me and one that I hold very close to my heart. It opened my mind up to just how vibrant, diverse, ever-changing and dynamic the British South Asian Muslim community truly is.

When I first sat down to write The Exes after graduating, my mind was full of the things that people from my community had expressed to me. From academic pressure from parents, eldest daughter syndrome, toxic masculinity, arranged marriage fiascos, falling in love while dating secretly, varied religious experiences, the stress of planning a Big Fat South Asian wedding to so much more.

However my research inspired my debut novel in so many ways, and I truly believe it is what gave The Exes its authenticity, depth and richness. One of the things I love the most about The Exes is the diversity of the British South Asian Muslim representation; every character’s relationship with their parents, faith and culture is different. This was done purposefully because it was important to me to capture these nuances that so closely resemble the truth of the British South Asian Muslim community and experience.

Zara Khan, Karim Malik, Saliha Begum and Imran Sayyid are all British South Asian Muslim characters, and they are all very distinct. These characters also serve to portray how one’s gender, upbringing and interpretation of faith can shape them, making them completely unique and different from others who may be from the exact same community as them.

C. Addressing Themes and Community Perspectives

3. The Exes explores themes of love and romance that might challenge traditional South Asian values. How do you navigate potential backlash from readers who might find the portrayal controversial?

Whilst writing The Exes, I was conscious of the fact that while some British South Asian Muslims would feel seen and represented, others wouldn’t.

As I’ve mentioned before, the British South Asian Muslim community is incredibly diverse, and there are people from all spectrums of political, religious and cultural views. I knew it would be impossible to represent or appease everyone, and that was never the motivation anyway.

The response to The Exes has been as diverse as the community is. I’ve received many incredibly touching messages from British South Asian girls who finally feel seen and heard, and I’ve also received messages from people who believe this narrative is making the British South Asian Muslim community ‘look bad’ or that it should’ve been a perfectly halal book since the main characters are both Muslim.

The truth is that I’m deeply grateful for every single reader and I have complete regard for their opinions or thoughts, whatever they may be. This is because I am aware that these are based on their own experiences of being human and interpretations of the world.

However, I would always urge readers to, if possible, leave their biases behind whilst reading novels, and to come for the journey of understanding varying aspects of the human condition.

For instance, at its core, I always wanted The Exes to capture the desires of young Muslim girls to find love, be heard by their families, not face ruthless judgment for doing the things that boys are never even questioned about, and to figure out who they want to be, free of societal expectations. Perhaps if a reader realised that before picking up my book, The Exes would stop being about all the mistakes Zara Khan’s character makes or the ways in which she was an imperfect Muslim. Instead, the story comes to be about something so much more. I guess this is just a gentle reminder that providing moral handbooks and guides on living a perfect life is the forte of non-fiction. Stories are all about building connection, empathy and understanding.

“I would always urge readers to, if possible, leave their biases behind whilst reading novels, and to come for the journey of understanding varying aspects of the human condition.“

At its heart, The Exes is a love story. It captures all the thrills, beauty and challenges of young love, and I wanted to write it as honestly as I could, and that meant including non-halal scenes such as kissing and unchaperoned meetings, because this is the truth of what many Muslim teens in contemporary London experience.

Of course, not every Muslim character in The Exes is represented in this way because, on the other hand, there are many practising Muslim teens, and I wanted to capture that too. Saliha Begum (who is the best friend of the main character, Zara Khan) is a devout Muslim who has a more conservative lifestyle and views; throughout the story, she expresses her attraction towards certain boys, but she never acts upon it and the reason for that is intimately attached to her faith.

“…providing moral handbooks and guides on living a perfect life is the forte of non-fiction. Stories are all about building connection, empathy and understanding.”

I will never write characters that are stereotypes, whether it’s an oppressed or demonised Muslim or even a perfectly pious one. Humans don’t exist in categories, regardless of how much, sometimes, we try to box them into them.

For me, the very essence and purpose of writing is to explore aspects of the lived human experience as honestly and openly as possible, in the hope that it makes us all feel less alone and more understood. The pursuit of authentic creative writing, therefore, in my opinion, cannot coexist with attempting to depict perfect people.

“Humans don’t exist in categories, regardless of how much, sometimes, we try to box them into them.”

The Exes addresses many cultural taboos, whether it’s abortion, domestic violence or divorce; these are contentious topics in the contemporary world, and they are aspects that are still being considered legally, culturally and religiously in every single country globally. But they are a lived reality for many teenagers, who are exposed to such things personally or witness such aspects in their households, and therefore I believe these themes deserve a space in Young Adult literature.

I hope to be brave as a Writer and to write about the things that we often brush under the carpet or are too afraid to voice because of cultural taboos or fear of judgment. I hope that when people read my stories they feel empowered to be a little braver too.

Something important to mention is that it can be incredibly alienating for young readers to pick up books where characters are always pious or constantly doing everything right according to their faith. This can, in fact, be very unrelatable or even harmful. The truth is that life is messy, everyone makes mistakes. Society is full of contradictions and infuriating expectations that no one seems to be able to meet, and it’s better for literature to reflect that.

D. Navigating the Publishing Industry and Inspiring Future Authors

4. Despite ongoing efforts to improve diversity, the publishing industry still struggles with limited representation. As a South Asian author, what challenges have you encountered, and how do you see the industry evolving to better support and celebrate diverse voices from South Asian communities?

When my literary agent reached out to publishers about The Exes, there was interest straight away, and I’m so deeply grateful for that because it’s an incredibly tough and competitive industry to break into- a lot of novels die on submission.

My debut novel actually went into auction and a few different publishing houses scheduled meetings with me to discuss their vision for editing and marketing The Exes, after which I got to make my decision (I didn’t just want to go with the highest bidder; I wanted to sign on with a publisher who really cared about my novel because it’s so close to my heart).

In the meeting with one particular publisher, I was told that The Exes contained too many ‘serious’ underlying themes, such as gender inequality, domestic violence and abortion. They wanted to turn it into a traditional romcom and strip it of its deeper layers, many of which capture the struggles of British South Asian Muslim girls, and I immediately knew that I wasn’t going to sign on with them.

The truth is that The Exes wouldn’t be an authentically British South Asian Muslim novel if I didn’t include aspects of the difficulties the teenagers from this community experience, both in the home (gender inequality, parental pressures) and outside it (racism, cyberbullying, Islamophobia).

I was lucky that Penguin Random House understood and respected my vision deeply, and I eventually chose to sign with them.

5. What advice would you offer to other South Asian women who aspire to become authors?

In the above-mentioned experience lies one of my biggest pieces of advice: write authentically, write bravely, write fearlessly, and eventually the right doors will open, because no one can ignore a truly good, riveting book.

Thinking like this will make you stand out and help you write a book that no one else could write. I truly believe that everyone has a story inside them, either to share verbally or through their writing, and the more honest and heartfelt it is, the more likely that people will cling on to it. Trust me, readers can sniff out authenticity – it’ll always work in your favour.

So many authors of colour feel pigeonholed into writing certain stories in certain ways (I’ve felt like this in the past as well, and I sometimes still do!). We must remember that the publishing industry has been traditionally predominantly white, and we are still unlearning how to cater to the white gaze.

If we truly want to publish diverse narratives, we need to understand that a romance novel with white characters that is written by a white woman will look different to a romance novel with black characters written by a black woman. Instead of attempting to follow the same formula, underlying themes and tropes, the publishing industry needs to accept changes in narrative style and topics.

The good news is that change is definitely coming – the publishing industry is interested in publishing authentically diverse, underrepresented voices more than ever before. The fact that The Exes, with all its cultural and religious depth and representation, was published by such a reputable publisher is a sign of that change.

E. Anam Iqbal ‘s Future Plans

6. When can we expect your next book? What are your next steps?

I’m currently in the process of editing my second Young Adult novel, which will also be published by Penguin Random House; it is set to be released in Summer 2025.

It’s another proudly British South Asian novel and can be described as 10 Things I Hate About You with Academic Rivals. Some of my favourite movies of all time are the early 2000s romcoms, and it wasn’t until fairly recently (when I went down a binge-watching rabbit hole) that I realised just how much I’d love to see those amazing cinematic romance tropes being played out with South Asian characters at the centre.

Thinking about academic rivalry (one of my favourite tropes!) almost instantaneously made me think of South Asian students as the main characters because many South Asian households place high value on acquiring a good education and parents like to push their children towards becoming doctors, lawyers or engineers etc.

I was certainly raised in such a household too – my parents always encouraged me to focus on my schoolwork and to limit other distractions in my life as much as possible. I was always an incredibly studious child and growing up it was not considered to be cool to love books or to be geeky. I was definitely not one of the popular kids, so I’m having a lot of fun with spinning an alternative reality in this story.

It is set in a private school in London where being cool is linked into acquiring the best grades and having a teacher’s favour in your corner. Geeks reign the halls of this school and they’re ruthless, determined and competitive. The school environment is creating sizzling tension between my main characters, and I’m having a lot of fun writing their love story. I can’t wait for you guys to read it next year!

Anam Iqbal ‘s Incredible Journey

I hope you’ve enjoyed getting to know Anam Iqbal as much as I have!

Her journey as a South Asian author in the publishing world is both inspiring and empowering.

Anam Iqbal ‘s commitment to telling stories that resonate with the realities of her community despite criticism for reflecting the hidden aspects of the community, is commendable. If you’ve never dealt with a judgemental side eye from a South Asian aunty, you won’t understand just how challenging it is to persevere despite this. So kudos to Anam for bravely navigating this territory.

Anam doesn’t just tell stories instead she creates spaces where voices from her community can be heard, understood, and celebrated and she truly deserves all the recognition for doing so.

Feeling Inspired by Anam Iqbal ‘s Journey?

Why not take this moment to explore your own heritage? Whether it’s through reading, writing, or simply sharing your story, every voice adds to the richness of our community.

Also make sure to grab a copy Anam Iqbal ‘s The Exes, if you haven’t already. Plus, keep an eye out for Anam Iqbal ‘s next book which is in the pipeline. It’s sure to be another must-read that you won’t want to miss!

If you enjoyed this conversation with Anam Iqbal, be sure to check out the previous post featuring Shabnam Younus-Jewell. Shabnam’s story as a trailblazer in sports media is just as inspiring and offers another powerful perspective on South Asian representation. Don’t miss it!

While we celebrate South Asian Heritage Month, let’s keep the conversation alive! How are you connecting with your roots? Share your thoughts in the comments—I can’t wait to hear your stories!

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Self-Validation Explained: How to Trust Yourself More

Hi Harmony Hustlers, in this post, we’re talking all things self-validation- from what self-validation is, to why it matters and how you can learn to do it. If you often seek input from others before making decisions, it could be a sign that you lack confidence in your own judgment. It doesn’t help that we’re often encouraged to trust other people but rarely told to focus on the importance of trusting our own instincts and decisions.

Imagine waking up every day feeling confident that your worth comes from within and not from what others think.

Whether self-validation is new to you or something you’ve lost along the way, remember that learning to trust your own thoughts is a truly empowering experience. It boosts your confidence and allows you to be the best version of yourself.

What is self-validation and why does it matter?

When you receive good or bad news, is your first instinct to call someone and share the news? Do you immediately feel the urge to discuss your next steps with someone else? If that’s your go-to move every time, you might be relying a little too much on others for validation. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with sharing your life with friends—good or bad. But if it’s happening all the time, it might be a sign you’re not quite comfortable validating yourself.

Self-validation is all about giving yourself a pat on the back, recognising your own feelings, and trusting your gut.

The dictionary definition describes it as ‘the feeling of having recognised, confirmed, or established one’s own worthiness or legitimacy.’

There’s a fine line between just catching up with friends and constantly needing their approval to make decisions. When you let others call the shots, you’re basically handing over your power, which can leave you feeling out of control.

Now, let’s be real: even when we make decisions on our own, we’re not always going to get it right. But the key difference is, when it’s your choice, you own the outcome. When you are accountable for your own actions, you grow and learn from your experiences. You start to realise that you have way more control over your life than you thought. It’s in those moments of taking responsibility for your actions that you reclaim your power and feel more empowered to navigate your life confidently. This is why self-validation matters.

How does self-validation help you?

Self-validation is super important because it gives your self-esteem a big boost and helps you bounce back from tough times. Plus, it lets you be, your true self, make confident choices, and really feel good about who you are.

Once you master self-validation you start to build confidence, making you less reliant on others for approval. You’ll find that you’re better equipped to handle setbacks and challenges.

Plus you end up in a position to be able to recognise your own worth and trust your instincts, which will no doubt result in you making more authentic and confident decisions.

All of these things combined help you to create a deeper sense of self-worth, which ultimately allows you to live a more fulfilling and authentic life.

In short, self-validation empowers you to take control of your life and be true to yourself.

How to self-validate in 5 steps

Identify what prevents you from self-validating
Build a Positive Relationship with Yourself: Learn to Trust Yourself
Be kind to yourself
Learn to regulate your own thoughts and feelings by finding different outlets
Practice, Practice, Practice

1. Identify what prevents you from self-validating

First things first, take a moment to figure out what’s stopping you from self-validating.

It could be anything from worrying about others’ opinions and battling low self-esteem to dealing with past hurts. Maybe you rely too much on external approval or just don’t know what you truly need and want.

Sometimes you’re surrounded by people who make you run every decision by them, such as parents, friends, family or partners. When this happens continuously over an extended period of time, you may feel like you’ve lost your autonomy. But fret not because you do have the tools to make your own decisions and you really don’t need to run them by anyone (unless you’re a child- in which case please listen to your parents).

If the above is the reason for your inability to self-validate I want you to try something. The next time something comes up that involves you having to make a decision, try handling it yourself instead. It might feel a bit weird at first especially because you’re not used to it. But the more you practice the easier it will get.

Once you rely on yourself for a decision you will learn to trust in your own judgement and it will pave the way for you to cut down your dependence on others.

You may find that you don’t get a warm reception from those who are used to making your decisions for you- but let that be their problem. You focus on yourself and your development. Those who love you unconditionally will accept your growth, even if it takes them some time to get used to it.

When you unravel the issues and address them head on you strengthen your ability to self-validate.

“Self-validation empowers you to take control of your life and be true to yourself.”

2. Build a Positive Relationship with Yourself: Learn to Trust Yourself

If you often find yourself unsure about your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings, it’s crucial to start working on building a better relationship with yourself. The desire to seek validation from others often stems from a lack of trust in your own judgment. So how can we change this? How can we get you to trust your own choices?

You have to start by giving yourself a little assessment.

First, consider if there are people in your life who trust your advice. If they do, that’s a sign that you have good judgment.

Next, reflect on past decisions you’ve made. If you’ve made good choices before, it shows you can trust yourself, and even if you’ve made mistakes, remember that everyone does. Forgiving yourself is key, just as you would forgive others for their slip-ups.

To truly start building a trusting relationship with yourself, focus on developing a positive outlook of yourself. Acknowledge your strengths and past successes, and don’t be too hard on yourself for mistakes.

When you do this, it will help to shift your mindset from self-doubt to self-confidence. Whilst you practice trusting yourself more, you’ll notice a significant improvement in your ability to self-validate.

Remember, self-validation is about recognising your own worth and capabilities, not waiting for others to tell you that you’re doing okay.

3. Be kind to yourself

One of the side effects of not being able to self-validate is often neglecting self-care. The two go hand in hand. It’s therefore important that you take a moment to figure out what you need and then actually make time for it.

Sometimes, you know exactly what you need, but you just push it aside because of all the pressures you and others may put on you. But here’s the thing: if you’re not taking care of yourself, you can’t enjoy life like you should. So take that evening, or even a whole day just for you, and do the things you love.

Don’t worry about the dishes, laundry, or cooking—they’ll still be there tomorrow. Those chores aren’t going anywhere, but your health can suffer if you don’t prioritise it. You can always catch up on household tasks later if they’re holding you back from taking time for yourself.

Whatever it is that’s preventing you from focusing on self-care, figure it out and tackle it head-on. If you need help, don’t hesitate to ask for it from those around you. Your well-being should come first, so make sure to carve out that time just for you.

Being kind to yourself is all about acknowledging that your well-being is just as important as everything else on your plate.

4. Learn to regulate your own thoughts and feelings by finding different outlets

If you find yourself turning to friends or family as your go-to therapists, it might be time to switch things up. It’s kind of like how writers shouldn’t rely on loved ones for feedback—they just can’t give you that unbiased critique you need. In the same way, constantly leaning on friends and family to validate your choices isn’t the best idea. Sure, getting advice every now and then is totally fine, but if you find yourself needing it all the time, it can easily become a habit where you’re asking and allowing others to make big decisions in your life. Don’t forget, that not everyone has your best interests at heart, and not everyone knows what’s best for you.

When you always look to others for answers, little by little, it can chip away at your confidence and independence.

If you really don’t know where to start with regulating your own thoughts and feelings, journalling is a good place to start. You’ll be amazed at how much you can understand about yourself through journaling.

Self-validation | Pexels | energepic.com

However, if you really do need someone to support you along the way, find a professional therapist. A therapist can help you find better ways to manage your thoughts and emotions, so you’re not always looking outside yourself for validation.

Once you learn to regulate your own thoughts and feelings, you’ll feel way more empowered and inspired to make decisions that truly reflect who you are.

“The only validation that truly matters is your own.”

5. Practice, Practice, Practice

Self-validation, like any skill, takes time and effort to develop. It’s not something that happens overnight, but the good news is that the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it.

The key is to start small. Acknowledge your feelings, validate your experiences and give yourself credit for your achievements.

Once you do this consistently, you’ll start to build a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence.

It takes patience and perseverance, but don’t let that deter you. Whatever time and effort you put into learning and developing this skill will pay off.

Embrace the Power of Self-Validation

Learning to self-validate is a journey. One that requires patience, kindness, and trust in yourself. Remember, you have everything within you to navigate your life confidently, you just have to learn to utilise what you have.

When you start validating yourself, you’re not just boosting your confidence, but you’re also giving yourself the freedom to live true to who you really are. So trust your inner voice, and remember that you don’t need anyone else’s approval for how you wish to live your life. You’re more than capable of validating your own worth.

In the end, the only validation that truly matters is your own.

Ready to start your journey of self-validation? Apply these tips in your daily life and watch your confidence grow. Plus, if you’ve got any thoughts or experiences to share, I’d love to hear them. Drop a comment below :)