Hi Harmony Hustlers, ever wondered why friendships in your 30’s’, feel so different to what they were in your 20’s? Suddenly, life gets really busy with jobs, families, and all that adulting stuff. Remember those days when you could just hang out with friends without a care in the world? Do they seem like a distant memory? If so, you’re probably starting to feel disconnected, maybe even a bit lonely, as you realise you’re not as close to your pals as you used to be. It’s no secret that hitting your 30’s can throw a curveball into your friendships.
Let’s face it, navigating long term friendships in your 30’s requires a lot more effort than it did when you were in your 20’s (for reasons which we will get to). But as the age old Irish Proverb goes, friendships are the best ships, and so we’re going to talk about how to ensure we keep sailing on our favourite ships! (Cheesy, I know!)
Let’s dive in.
Why, what, when and how do friendships begin to shift in your 30’s?
If you’ve ever had a friendship fizzle out, you might think it happened all of a sudden, but that’s not usually the case. More often than not, it creeps in slowly, catching us off guard as we realise that, what was once a vibrant social circle has started to feel more like a ghost town. We just get caught up in the craziness of life. It’s like we’re in this whirlwind of busyness, and suddenly, there’s just not enough time or energy for the things we used to do with our friends.
Why the cracks begin to show in friendships in your 30’s?
You and your friends may start to find yourself struggling to coordinate schedules for meetups, for a number of reasons, whether that’s because of a lack of childcare, work commitments, family commitments, ill health and so on, so on.
The truth of the matter is that this decade is a transformational decade where careers become more demanding, relationships deepen, and family responsibilities increase. Since you have limited time and energy, maintaining friendships often ends up taking a backseat. Not to mention that in your 30’s you can easily become accustomed to your existing social dynamics and you may find it difficult to disrupt them.
Schedules aside, when things do align and you do manage to catch up with your friends, you may feel as though it’s not like it used to be. You might start to feel disconnected and feel as though you have nothing in common. If you’re feeling this way, there is a very high chance that your friend(s) also feel this way.
Don’t forget that it’s not just about how you feel and your feelings of disconnect – your friends can feel it too. They might also notice the distance growing between you, the cancelled plans, or the lack of quality time together. It could leave them feeling neglected or unimportant, like they’re not valued as much as they used to be. And just like you, they might not realise the full extent of the problem until it’s already caused some damage.
But fear not. Whilst it is true for some people that these circumstances can lead to broken friendships, on the flip side, you can easily resolve these feelings if you value your friendship and want it to continue. It does take effort from both parties, but it can be resolved!
The Expert Take
Studies show that friends are a crucial predictor of overall happiness and life satisfaction (‘Demir, Orthel-Clark, Ozedemir, & Ozedemir, 2015’) If friends can hold so much power over how our life pans out, then how do we find a way to keep our friendships thriving throughout our 30’s and beyond.
The solution to navigating the shift in your friendships during your 30’s
Despite all the challenges your friendships undergo, the purpose of this post is to focus on how we can fix the problem. So enough about the problem, let’s move onto solving it. In this section we’ll be taking a look at:
- Managing expectations by recognising and accepting life changes
- Finding a balance, setting ‘realistic’ expectations and being flexible
- Maintaining good communication and transparency
- Resolving conflicts and misunderstanding promptly
- Acknowledging milestones
- Providing support
- Cultivating shared interests
1. Managing expectations by recognising and accepting life changes
The most important thing we can do to help our friendships flourish, is to identify and accept the changes in both our own lives and our friends lives and the effect these have on our friendships. We’re all on these different paths discovering who we are and what we want out of life. So, as we navigate this remarkable journey, why wouldn’t we want to offer unwavering support to our friends, while also allowing ourselves room to grow?
When we accept these changes in our friendship dynamics we make room for understanding and acceptance. We manage our expectations and those of our friendships. There is nothing worse than having an expectation of a friend which they can no longer meet.
2. Finding a balance, setting ‘realistic’ expectations and being flexible
Balance is something we’re always striving to achieve in all aspects of our lives, and friendship is no exception. In helping you find a balance with a view to prioritising your friendships, it is important to set realistic expectations, especially since managing busy schedules looks different for everyone.
Realistic expectations may differ between you and your friends but the common goal is to understand your time constraints as friends and having a willingness to be flexible.
If your friend is a mother to a toddler, she will most likely be unable to go away for a weekend without her baby for all sorts of reasons. But, she may on the other hand be able to meet you two days in a row, at an agreed time. In this instance you can choose to accommodate your friend and balance your own desires to spend quality time with your friend.
Alternatively you may be the friend that works long hours, and can only take a quality break for an hour every evening to go to the gym. Maybe you could arrange to go to the gym together with your friend to ensure that you get to spend time together.
Or maybe none of the above suits, and that’s fine. The idea is to show understanding and allow for adjustments to accommodate the demands of life in your 30’s whilst maintaining a genuine connection.
Friends who are flexible and understanding of each other’s evolving circumstances are more likely to get through challenges effectively and withstand the test of time.
3. Maintaining good communication and transparency
Abit of a cliche here, but we all know honesty is the best policy. It cannot be stressed enough that in order to maintain your friendships you have to be able to have honest conversations. When you start to notice changes, you may be reluctant to talk about these and you may find it easier to avoid, and not face the idea of confrontation, however your friendships will be better served if you do. Remember you don’t have to have an argument over the status of your friendship, instead you can choose to have an open and honest conversation, where you transparently share the shifts in your lives.
The truth is that the things that may have once connected you to your friends may no longer align,and that’s ok. If you identify these issues and talk about them, you’re that much closer to finding a solution that works for you both/all.
It is a known fact that friends require different things from one another over time. Whilst a teenage friend may want someone to come over to their house to have sleepover, a friend in your 20’s may want to go out for a long weekend, and a friend in her 30’s may just want a shoulder to lean on when life gets tough. Priorities change, and friendships change. As long as you’re on the same page, that’s all that really matters. And the only way to stay on the same page is to keep communication open and honest.
4. Resolving conflicts and misunderstanding promptly
All friendships like any other relationship undergo moments of conflict and friendships in your 30’s are no different. When you’re in school or college you tend to resolve a conflict faster since you’re forced to see each other every day. When you’re out of school and college, you may not have the benefit of daily face to face contact with your friends, and so you have to take proactive steps to resolve matters when you’re faced with any sort of conflict.
Try to take a proactive approach to seek resolutions and understanding if you value your friendship. Every relationship can face challenges- you have to decide if you value your friendship enough to resolve any issues. The longer you let a conflict fester, the more damage it will cause.
We don’t always get the outcome we were expecting after a conversation, but practising forgiveness and having a commitment to move forward will serve your friendship well.
Note of caution: This isn’t encouragement to keep toxic friends- toxic friends are a whole different kettle of fish. Here we’re talking about important,valuable and healthy friendships. After all learning from disagreement is an important part of any relationship.
5. Acknowledging milestones
If meeting up gets difficult, make sure you diarise milestones. Celebrating milestones can be an awesome opportunity to share joy with your friends. Whether it be the triumphs of job success or the personal milestones of marriage and parenthood. These moments of mutual celebration with one another can really anchor the connections with your friends.
6. Providing support
Support is a key feature of friendship. During adulthood, we may experience so many different challenges in the form of everyday struggles, mental health issues, loss and grief, marital conflict, infertility or divorce- the list goes on. Having a friend in these times can not be underestimated. Remember to allow your friends in when you need them, and vice versa. Friendship is about standing by one another through thick and thin.
7. Cultivating shared interests
If you no longer have shared interests, there is nothing stopping you from cultivating new shared interests.
If you don’t currently have any shared interests, and the interests that brought you together are a distant memory, find a new interest ‘together.’ It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, it can be something as simple as a coffee date at your favourite cafe every friday, or a walk every other weekend. Whatever it is, explore the possibilities together so you can reconnect over something new.
If you loved going away on holidays with your friends, but now life is just too busy, maybe plan a day trip instead, or a 1 night stay somewhere. It doesn’t have to be a week or two week holiday for you to get some quality time in with your friends. Cherish the moments you do have to spend together.
If finding a new interest seems like too much of a challenge, then find other ways to stay connected. A weekly phone call, and a monthly catch up. This may sound like the bare minimum, but I think we’ve emphasised enough how little time we really have in our 30’s. Whilst we may have met our friends on a daily basis in our 20’s, you’ll be lucky if you meet your friends once in 6 months in your 30’s!
Whatever you decide, make sure to diary it in. Plans always work best when all parties are expecting them.
The key to maintaining friendships in your 30’s
Ultimately, we can all agree that friendships are key to our well being, our happiness and our overall lives. I for one cannot deny the value that friendships hold in my life, and how I have an immense amount of love for my friends.
Maintaining friendships in your 30’s takes more than what you may have been used to in your teens or twen-teens. Friends offer you so much- not only fun and laughter but also support and much more. Therefore it’s only fair that you put into them what you get out. As you reflect on the value of your long-term friendships, you will recognise that these relationships serve as anchors, grounding you amidst the chaos of life in your 30’s.
The encouragement behind this post about maintaining friendships in your 30s is a call to action. I’m just saying, in the midst of all the craziness this decade throws at you, make sure to put maintaining real connections with your friends at the top of your list.
As we sail through the complexities of our 30s, may the bonds we forge become a source of continual growth, support, and unwavering companionship. Amen!