Hi harmony hustlers, if you constantly crave some alone time and feel drained by lengthy phone calls and/or unexpected visits, it might be time to learn how to set some boundaries.
If the idea of setting boundaries makes you want to run and hide, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries can feel daunting, especially if you’re not familiar with the territory. However it’s the only way to manage the people who overstep your boundaries.
People who overstep your boundaries often don’t realise the extent of their interference. If they do realise and keep doing it, they might need professional help. However, since we’re not here to cure anyone, that means I can’t teach you how to fix them or their questionable behavior. I can however offer some tips on managing your own boundaries to minimise the impact of their behavior.
In this post, we’ll take a look at, how to know when you need to set a boundary, how to do it confidently, and how to handle any pushback that comes your way.
Let’s dive in!
Definition of Boundaries
Before we can go ahead and set some boundaries, let’s take a look at what a boundary is.
A boundary is a sort of invisible line that defines the limits of behavior that you accept. It defines the interactions you accept and the emotional involvement you are willing to accept. In this case, all within a relationship context.
Essentially, a boundary protects your personal space, your values, and your well-being.
Types of Boundaries
There are various types of boundaries including physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, mental boundaries and time related boundaries.
Why set boundaries?
So why are boundaries important and why do we need them?
Consider the following questions:
Do you ever find yourself feeling emotionally drained or overwhelmed by other people’s demands and expectations?
Do you often feel frustration or resentment towards others for constantly sacrificing your personal needs?
Are you noticing any signs of disrespect or disregard for your personal space from friends, family, or partners?
Do you find that you may be struggling to assert yourself or communicate your needs effectively in relationships?
If you answered yes to any of the scenarios above, it’s a clear sign you might need to set some boundaries.
Almost all of us have encountered someone who oversteps, crossing lines of what’s acceptable or permitted. Even when we recognise this behavior, we often hesitate to act due to fear of the fallout.
I understand—it’s not easy to set boundaries. But with practice and confidence, you’ll get the hang of it in no time.
Communicating your boundaries with confidence
When you’re not confident in setting a boundary- it shows. The people with whom you’re setting a boundary won’t take you seriously, and you’ll second guess your actions, and doubt yourself. Therefore mastering confidence is a fundamental aspect of setting boundaries.
Practical Steps to setting boundaries with confidence
- 1. Identify your boundaries
- 2.Communicate clearly and assertively
- 3. Stay consistent.
1. Identifying your boundaries
To confidently set a boundary, you must start by clearly defining what you need and why it’s important to you.
Once you know what you need and why, you can communicate your boundaries assertively and calmly, using direct language.
In this section, I’ll pose a number of questions for you to reflect on. It may be useful for you to take note of the questions and use them as journaling prompts.
a. Self-reflection and identifying triggers
Reflect and pinpoint times when you felt overwhelmed or taken advantage of.
Identify patterns or behaviors from others that trigger these negative emotions. What actions or behaviors triggered these feelings? Did someone dismiss your needs, invade your personal space, or meddle in your relationships?
Consider how these experiences affected your self-worth and well-being.
Understanding these triggers can help you set effective boundaries to improve your well-being.
b. Consider what boundaries you could set to protect your personal space and needs in similar future scenarios.
There are several ways in which you can look to set boundaries such as:
- Directly addressing the issue in person, clearly stating your needs and limits.
- Creating physical space, such as setting up private areas, to signal when you need privacy.
- Establishing routine boundaries, like designating specific times for personal activities, helps maintain your limits naturally.
- Implementing personal rules, such as not checking work emails after hours, reinforces your boundaries consistently.
- Visual cues, like a closed door, can indicate when you need to focus or be alone.
Let’s take directly addressing the issue in person as an example:
If you have a relative who interferes in your relationship with your partner, you might decide to have a firm yet compassionate conversation with them, clearly stating how their actions affect you and your relationship. Then explain the boundaries you need to set and what changes you expect moving forward.
Remember, others might not always understand or agree with your boundaries, and that’s perfectly okay. Setting boundaries helps you navigate difficult situations more effectively and prevents misunderstandings.
If someone disrespects your boundaries, it might be because they’re unaware of your personal values. By clearly explaining your boundaries, you give them an opportunity to either start respecting them or continue ignoring them. If they choose the latter, at least you’ll have clarity about their attitude, allowing you to reassess your relationship with them.
Once you’re aware of your boundaries, then you can focus on communicating them clearly and confidently.
2. Communicating Clearly and Assertively
When your boundaries aren’t being respected, it’s crucial to address the person involved clearly and directly. If you don’t tackle the issue, they’re likely to continue overstepping.
To handle this effectively, you’ll need to strengthen your self-confidence. Remember, confidence is a vital internal resource that can always work in your favor.
“I” statements
A commonly recommended communication technique is to use “I” statement to express your feelings. In this instance, we too can use “I” statements to express boundaries assertively while taking ownership of our feelings and needs.
For example:
Friendship content
Where a friend keeps imposing themselves on you, you could say something along the lines of “I value our friendship and enjoy spending time together, but I need some alone time this weekend to recharge. Let’s plan to hang out next week instead.
Family context
Where family members/relatives are overstepping, you can express a boundary by stating something like “I understand that you have your opinions on this matter, but I need to make this decision based on what feels right for me. I hope you can respect my choice.”
In all the above examples, you’ll notice that you have respectfully expressed your need and set a boundary. This lets the other person know what it is you need, and subtly let’s them know that they have overstepped. It also allows you the space to accommodate your needs without involvement from others. It avoids lashing out on others, or resentment.
Try practicing some statements you could use the next time you need to set a boundary. It can be helpful to familiarise yourself with a response script. Having assertive response scripts can empower you to respond confidently and decisively when boundaries are crossed, reinforcing your commitment to self-respect and healthy interactions. You can grab a copy of your very own response script cards here.
3. Staying Consistent
Once you’ve expressed your boundaries, it’s important to stay consistent with your approach. It is only then that you can maintain the effectiveness of the boundaries you have set.
Setting boundaries in relationships involves establishing realistic expectations for both yourself and others and it’s crucial to understand that these boundaries are not rigid barriers. Instead they’re flexible guidelines that might need adjustment over time.
It’s also essential to have clear consequences in mind for when boundary volations occur. Not only does this communicate the importance of your boundaries, but it also helps sustain respect within the relationship. When you follow through with the consequences, you ensure your boundaries are taken seriously and respected.
Example: Setting the boundary Sara sets a boundary with her cousin Rafia, to allow herself time on Sunday mornings for self-care activities, such as reading and yoga. She communicates this clearly to Rafia, explaining why this time is important for her well-being. "Hey, I need some personal time on weekends to recharge. I’ve decided that I’m going to spend Sunday mornings by myself, so please let me know in advance if you’re thinking of coming over on a weekend. Having communicated her boundary, Sara should allow Rafia some time to adjust to this new boundary. Enforcing the boundary Sara notes that despite having communicated her boundary to Rafia, and allowing reasonable time for the adjustment, Rafia continues to overstep her boundaries. In this instance, Sara will need to enforce the boundary she has set. One way of doing this is by establishing consequences for each time Rafia oversteps Sara’s boundary. For example she could tell Rafia: "If you continue to visit or call unannounced on Sundays, I will have to stop answering the door and the phone during those times." By following through with this consequence, Sara will be in a better position to reinforce the importance of her boundary. If however Sara feels that she’s not able to take such direct steps, she could focus on preventing Rafia overstepping her boundary (especially in the initial stages of enforcing her boundary). She could do this by reminding Rafia of her boundary. "Hey, Just a reminder that I’m not available tomorrow morning/afternoon as I’m taking some me time. If you need me, I’ll be done by 4pm.” This method prevents Sara from having to deal with the consequences at the time of the overstepping. It also puts Rafia on notice. Therefore if Rafia does show up unanounced, it shows that she has no respect for SAra and Sara’s boundaries. In this instance Sara would rightfully be able to enforce the boundary by not answering the door or the phone during her personal time. Additionally, it may help if Sara offered alternative times to meet. By doing this, Sara can reinforce that her need for boundaries is essential for her well-being and not something personal against Rafia. “Hey, I won’t be free on Sunday, but I am free on Friday evening. Let me know if that works?” Over time, Rafia will either come to respect Sara’s Sunday morning routine or she will continue to invade it. If she does come to respect it, this will strengthen Sara's confidence in setting and maintaining boundaries. It will also create an environment of mutual respect and understanding between Sara and Rafia. If Rafia continues to disregard Sara’s boundaries, Sara may need to take further steps, such as enforcing stricter consequences for overstepping or re-evaluating her relationship with Rafia.
It’s important to remember that the nature of a relationship shouldn’t impact your commitment to setting boundaries. Boundaries are designed to protect your space, values, and well-being. They also influence how you interact with others. Ultimately, boundaries benefit both parties by promoting healthier and more respectful interactions. The entire process of setting boundaries reinforces your commitment to respecting yourself and your space.
ufshah.com
Benefits of confidently setting boundaries
When you’re confident in making decisions that align with your values, you’re able to express them assertively. You’ll find that setting boundaries with confidence leads to relationships built on mutual respect and growth.
The worst-case scenario is that it doesn’t work out, and you lose people. Does it really matter? Do you truly want someone in your life who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries?
At least you can walk away knowing you stood your ground, respected your own values and beliefs, and did it all with confidence! Hell yeah.
Common challenges from setting boundaries
- Dealing with guilt
- Managing reactions from others.
1. Dealing with Guilt
If there’s one thing we excel at as women, it’s feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for things we have no business feeling guilty about.
In the case of setting boundaries, it’s very easy to feel fearful of disappointing others or appearing selfish. But you have to remind yourself that boundaries are essential for your personal well being and for managing the relationships in your life.
If you are trying to, or have tried to set boundaries and have felt guilty doing so, there’s a way to hack into these feelings to try and overcome them.
Firstly recognise the source of your feelings. Do you feel guilty due to societal pressures, bad experiences in the past, or your own internalised beliefs i.e. thinking things along the lines of “I can’t possibly tell someone to stop coming over to my house, even it it’s past midnight and even if that causes me an issue. I just have to grin and bare it.”
You don’t.
You don’t need to tolerate anyone who violates your boundaries.
When you feel guilty, remind yourself that setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and a way to ensure that you can give your best to others.
You don’t have to go in and set drastic boundaries overnight- anyone would most probably struggle with doing it this way. Instead start with small manageable boundaries to build your confidence gradually.
2. Managing reactions from others
Handling how others react when you set boundaries can be tricky, but it’s so important for your relationships and your own well-being. First off, it’s key to feel confident and unapologetic when you set your boundaries, no matter how people might respond. One way to get better at this is by practicing with role-playing exercises to build up your assertiveness.
When someone reacts negatively, try to be both compassionate and firm. Acknowledge their feelings while standing your ground. For example, you might say, “I get that this is important to you, but I really need to take care of myself right now.” This way, you validate their emotions while keeping your boundaries in place.
Building and sustaining confidence in boundary-setting starts with regular self-care practices, like mindfulness and exercise, to maintain your well-being. Celebrate small wins and progress to reinforce your efforts and boost your confidence.
Seeking support
It’s really important to seek support when you’re working on setting boundaries. Connect with people who understand and respect the importance of boundaries in relationships. When you surround yourself with people who are attuned to the importance of boundaries, you meet less resistance (from yourself too) since you realise that there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. You’ll learn that the people who do not understand boundaries, and don’t respect others boundaries are the ones with the problem- not you.
Conclusion
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting your time and energy—it’s about honoring your worth and creating healthier relationships. Just like Sara did with her cousin, when you communicate your needs confidently and respectfully, you pave the way for deeper connections built on mutual respect.
It’s okay to feel hesitant or face pushback; what matters is staying true to yourself. Also by surrounding yourself with supportive friends and people who respect your boundaries, you reinforce the idea that boundaries are healthy.
Take pride in every bit of progress you make. Each step forward in creating healthy boundaries strengthens your relationships and enriches your personal growth.
Good luck setting boundaries!
2 comments